A common mistake woman make when talking to their man is when they disagree with something that he says. If you’ve been following the rules of how men talk and how men think, specifically the 30 second rule, then you know that men are really not shallow. They’re wells full of feelings, opinions and the only reason that they seem shallow is that they don’t feel comfortable or safe expressing their feelings.
One of the ways a woman can help him open up is to use the 30 second rule. This rule means that when a woman asks a man a question, or his opinion on something, if he feels comfortable expressing it he will.
To utilize the 30 second rule a woman needs to understand that when a man is talking she’s going to be getting his opinions in “bucketful’s” of information. He’ll say an idea and then be quite. He’s not done with his idea, he’s going to refill the bucket. If a woman counts to 30 instead of jumping in, he’ll actually start talking again and he’ll come up with another useful idea.
The problem is what happens when a woman’s got her guy talking and then he says something that she disagrees with?
A good rule of thumb is to change how she approaches the question. She is used to asking a question, hearing the response, and then thinking about whether she agrees or disagrees with it.
If she asks a question assuming that she’s going to get a certain response she’s setting herself up for failure.
(One of the common questions that fall into this category is the dreaded “Honey, do you think I’m fat? Don’t EVER ask that question. You think you’re fat, he probably doesn’t and even if he does he’s certainly not going to say it. He loves you despite what you think. Don’t set him up for failure by asking a question that you have a preset answer to. Definitely don’t ask him a question with a preset answer that you don’t want to hear!)
If he says something she disagrees with, she has to approaches she can take. 1) she argue with what he said or 2) she can biter her tongue. Both of these ways just distance the two of them. We’d like to suggest another approach that will increase intimacy and will instead bring the two closer together.
Instead of asking a question and then thinking “do I disagree or agree with that.” She should instead ask herself, “what’s he sharing with me when he says that?”
By thinking this way then he will feel free to express his opinions and you’ll get him to open up more and understand who he truly is. You’re experiencing each other – not trying to fix each other. This is what makes relationships great – when the couple tries to fix themselves and not fix their partner. Instead of telling the other that you think they need to change in a particular way, you create an environment where they feel open to expressing themselves.
What usually results, particularly for men, is that they then want to be the best person they can be so that they can give their wives the men (that they feel) she deserves.
So to recap make it clear that your guy can express what he wants and don’t prejudge what he says. By doing this you’ll change him into the exact man that you want him to be.
Alison Armstrong explains this in an excellent way:
